Have you ever felt like a failure?
You work so hard only to watch things collapse before your eyes. You wonder what went wrong? How could it have turned out so badly? Perhaps you tell yourself, “it’s all my fault”, or “if I were different I would have been successful.” Feeling like a failure is something everyone in life encounters.
Perhaps you feel you failed another person. Has your brother stopped talking to you? Does your friend disregard your opinions? Is your marriage suffering under the weight of poor communication or a lack of care? Have your parents said something in frustration leaving you feeling unvalued or worthless?
These life experiences happen to us all at some point. The after-effects will leave us deflated, defeated, and deeply sad. If we’re not careful, disappointment can turn into a cycle of shame and self-blame. Often, as human beings, we take the failure of an circumstance and internalize it into judgment of ourselves. We associate failure with our self-worth. We are our own worst critic, after all.
Instead of identifying the problem and figuring out how to address it, we become trapped by our feelings.
When you find yourself in this cycle of shame, feeling like a failure, take a step back. Breath deeply. Feel the peace. Then choose to put that brilliant mind of yours to work.
The first thing to acknowledge is:
Everyone makes mistakes, but a mistake does not define who we are.
We All Make Mistakes
Simply put, the situation you just encountered is an unsuccessful event. That is all. The situation, experiment, attempt, conversation….it just didn’t work.
Human beings are born as blank slates. Nobody knows it all. Life is learning.
Think about a baby learning to walk. That little one pulls up, wobbles, loses balance, and falls. Then, often with a smile, the baby tries again.
Does that baby sit on the floor thinking, “I failed to reach Mom. I just can’t walk. I must be a failure at walking.”?
Of course not! The pure new mind understands life is meant to be experienced. Through trials and actions new discoveries will be made. Through many attempts, what was once unknown can be perfected. Eventually those chubby little legs find a way to support a wobbly little body, and mom and baby laugh with joy.
There is so much to learn by this example. A single failed event does not make a person a failure. Nor a series of mistakes. Human beings are simply students of life, learning each and every day what works and what does not.
Developing the same mindset as that baby when approaching events of failure, we gain authority over our circumstance. Yes, it is true we may need to accept responsibility for our actions, especially if we hurt someone. Maybe we made a bad choice. And we might need to reach out to others for advice how to proceed.
It is also very possible that we tried to do something beyond our personal limitations. Our desires were bigger than our brains. It happens. No matter how often I tried as a child I could never catch that wind and soar with the eagles after jumping out of a tree. Mistake of agility or mistake of the mind? Go figure….
Whatever the situation, we can learn without condemning ourselves.
Failure Adds to Our Repertoire of Knowledge
There are many kinds of failures. Tests receive a big fat ZERO when not prepared for adequately. Career setbacks happen. Financial decisions may be made in error, leaving you broke. Relationships can break down when two people grow apart or choose to pursue different aspects of life.
Some projects fail due to the lack of necessary knowledge or skill. Others fail because circumstances beyond our control get in the way. Sometimes mistakes are character flaws that were previously unidentified.
Life is full of complexities and challenges.
But in every circumstance, how we respond determines what happens next. We can allow disappointment to defeat us. Or we can become curious about what the experience has taught us. We can dwell on the sadness of the loss. Or we can find great excitement in learning something new.
What went wrong? Was crucial information missing? If by acting differently would a different outcome be achieved? What do I know now that I didn’t know before? Which variables affected the result?
These questions turn an unsuccessful experience into an opportunity to learn. All new learning adds wisdom. Holding onto the ability to ask questions will serve you well if used appropriately. Questions are a powerhouse of a life tool.
The next time life decides to hand you a similar circumstance, you now possess a larger database of information. Warning signs will appear earlier in the process allowing you to make better decisions. If acted upon, this can alter your approach permitting a different result.
Failures can become part of the foundation on which future successes are built.
Even the Great Minds Experienced Failures
We often admire great inventors, scientists, and thinkers for what they accomplished. We see the finished invention or the celebrated discovery. But, what we don’t see is the many attempts that resulted in their victory.
Consider the work of Thomas Edison and the development of the practical incandescent light bulb. Progress required experimentation, testing, and learning which materials and methods worked best. All things must be considered for such an achievement. Timing, Temperature, Flow. So much to learn, and so many failures. “10,000 ways that won’t work”. 10,000 failures for one success.
Meaningful accomplishments often require many attempts.
Another person in Thomas’ shoes might have stopped at attempt number 1,000. While another at attempt 9,899. But Thomas fought forward to the full 10,000 and then… discovered the future.
One person may be stopped by an unsuccessful attempt, while another studies what happened and moves forward with new understanding. This ability to wrap your mind around a problem is called perspective. It is choosing to see a problem differently from a separate viewpoint. Perspective is a gift we give ourselves.
Essentially, this is Learning.
Recognizing what went wrong,
Investigating possible solutions,
Developing new approaches, and
Testing them.
If the new approach doesn’t work, we add to our database of failed attempts. Until the magical time occurs and you have………
Brilliant Success!!!
The more we learn, the more prepared we are for the next challenge. Difficult conversations teach us something new about communication. Career setbacks help us identify the skills we need to develop or, instead, veers us into another realm of interest.
Enjoying every aspect of life is just not possible, I’m afraid. We will not experience feelings of great joy at every moment or with every person. To think such is possible is not living in reality. But there is value in every aspect. Failures happen for a reason.
The Gift of Learning
I’ve mentioned perspective already, but another one of life’s gifts is resilience. Perspective helps us look at a situation from more than one angle. Resilience gives us the ability to recover, adapt, and try again when we are ready. It is what makes you stand after a fall. Courage in the face of defeat. Resilience is the character skill that can only be achieved through enduring times of great trials.
Resilience doesn’t mean we never fall. It means falling is not the end.
Sometimes it is appropriate to rest, to grieve what we lost, ask for help, or rethink our perspective. Moving forward doesn’t always mean returning to the same fight. It might mean recognizing a different direction is needed.
Think of an intense boxing match. The challenges are real. Both sides are prepared and ready. A large portion of the fight is having the ability to take a hit. Some hits are extremely hard and can cause the fighter to stumble, lose their footing, and fall.
With this fall, the fighter now knows his opponent’s strategy. Knowing this, he can adapt by ducking and weaving for the next blow.
Life is this way. And we too can learn to duck, weave, adjust our position, and approach the next challenge differently. When we miss our target, we redefine and adjust our aim.
We don’t have to win every round to become wiser or a winner. We don’t have to win every match to be victorious.
So, don’t let one difficult experience convince you that you failed. Humans were born to learn, to grow, and to discover a better way. We are also born to experience the joy of success after a prolonged time of unsuccessful attempts. We can acknowledge what happened, accept our part in it, and use what we have learned to make wiser choices.
My Prayer for You
My prayer for you is that you will always keep an open and curious mind when handling life’s failures. May you welcome knowledge, learn from your experiences, and allow those lessons to help you grow in wisdom and understanding.
Learn all you can, Dear One. Soak up knowledge like a sponge. When you make mistakes, look for the lessons. If you hurt someone, have the courage to make things right. When a plan falls apart, give yourself permission to consider a new one.
And please remember this:
Don’t let your mistakes convince you that you are a mistake.
As long as you live, there will be new things to learn, new challenges to face, and new opportunities to grow. You will not get everything right. That is part of being human.
Take the lessons with you, but don’t carry the label.
You are not the sum of your mistakes. You are a person who is learning, growing, and discovering how to navigate this complicated world.
And here’s a little secret …..so is everyone else.
You are a brilliant light in this world, Dear One. A few failures along the way will never change your worth. That is just not possible!
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