There are decisions in life that are difficult to make.
And then there are decisions that leave you standing between two impossible choices, knowing that someone you love will hurt no matter which way you turn.
At such times, it is important to consider these questions:
Who will this affect? How will it affect them? Will it alter their future?
What other possibilities exist? What does this mean for the years ahead?
And, the hardest question of all….
Will I be able to live with the consequences for the rest of my life?
Thankfully, decisions like these don’t come along often.
But they do come. I know.
I was faced with one. And it tore my world, and my heart, in two.
Divorce
Divorce is one of the seven layers of hell.
But when children are involved, the complexity of emotions is overwhelming.
A family has been established. Children are born into this unit becoming quite accustomed to it. It is, after all, their whole world. In divorce their world is torn apart, never to be the same again.
Because of this, dear heart, I will always counsel whenever possible, find another way. If Divorce can be avoided, please avoid it.
But sometimes there just isn’t any other way. In my circumstance, I spent years trying every option available to me to create a way forward for my family. Eventually, the breakdown became impossible to ignore.
A relationship cannot be sustained by the efforts of one person alone. When the willingness to make it work exists on only one side, moving forward is not necessarily a matter of giving up. Sometimes it is simply recognizing that the reality you have tried to preserve is not the reality you reside within.
For the children involved, their perspective is going to be different from your perspective. They will suffer greatly. Their loyalties will be questioned. They will not be emotionally mature enough to handle what will be asked of them. It will take many years for them to unwrap it all. Great patience will be required of both parents as they walk their path forward.
At the time of my divorce, I believed that decision, to stay or to go, would be the hardest I would ever face,
I was wrong. So very wrong.
Being a Single Parent
After the divorce, I found myself fighting a whole new set of battles. Some were legal, some were financial. And some battles I fought quietly within myself.
The protection and provision of my daughters was my primary and sole concern, due to the trauma that was forced upon them, So, I worked and worked. Child support was not sufficient and often missing, so their survival was completely on my shoulders.
I put everything I had, mentally, physically, and spiritually, into this daily struggle. School picks ups, after school activities, dances, whatever they wanted. Many nights, I sat in the car until eleven o’clock at night waiting to drive one home from theatre rehearsals, after working a full day.
Exhaustion was all I knew. Even with this, it wasn’t enough to meet their needs. Their emotional wounds were deep. A mother’s hug was no longer enough. Life was different now. And in my exhaustion options were clouded.
The counselors I could afford were unsuccessful in helping them. The sweet little girls I raised were becoming young teenagers full of anger, hate and selfishness. Some days they were happy and brilliant, and I was hopeful that we were finally gaining a foothold. Then others they yelled out at me in anger, blame and frustration. I felt like I was drowning, struggling just to keep my head above water.
My oldest daughter seemed to have moved forward better out of the two. She laughed and participated in life around her. She seemed willing to build a new life and establish new friends. But my youngest was different.
She frightened me with the anger that was growing inside of her. Anger that was directed completely at me. I watched helplessly as her pain began to overshadow the gentle, loving little girl I had raised. I knew that sweet heart was still there, somewhere beneath all that hurt. But I was terrified that if something didn’t change, she might lose sight of herself.
What does a loving mother do when she fears her very presence is causing her daughter prolonged pain?
I didn’t know the answer to that question. I was desperate to know. When times get clouded and wisdom is beyond reach, pray. So, I found a little bench by the bay. And there I prayed, intensely for guidance.
A Mother’s Love
I prayed for weeks into months. Please show me how to help my daughters.
God was silent, until one day I heard Him ask:
“What will you do to save your daughter?”
I could not answer.
Weeks later, I heard:
“What will you do to ensure her future?”
Again, I could not answer.
Slowly, I began to understand what He was saying.
If I made this decision, what would it mean for her future?
If I made this decision, what would it mean for me?
How much was I willing to sacrifice for her?
And, if I am completely honest with you, dear one, I knew what He was telling me long before I was willing to admit it.
For, it was Not what I wanted to hear, something that every ounce of my fiber rejected.
He was telling me…
In order to ensure her future, you will need to part ways with her.
For months I screamed, “NO! I will NOT let that happen. I will find a way!”
How could I willingly let go, one of the two greatest loves of my life?
During the months that followed, I watched my beautiful baby girl grow more intense in her anger. I could feel her pain. God showed me, if I continued to hold on to her simply because I couldn’t bear to let her go, I would be holding her back from the future she deserved to have, the future destined for her.
That realization nearly destroyed me.
The Cost of Letting Go
Eventually, the fear of a lifetime of pain I saw ahead for my daughter became greater than the fear of the loneliness I knew I would experience without her.
So, I finally said to God, “Okay, I’m ready.”
Shortly after, the time came when, my baby girl moved in with her father.
Since that time, she has never looked back.
Today, 3,774 days later, she is married. She has a beautiful baby boy. She is safe and well provided for. She is happy.
And I am still without her.
I don’t tell you this to make you feel sorry for me. But I want you to see what the cost of love can look like. How it can be long suffering and a burden to bear for some time. I know with all of my being, I made the right decision. Despite every day feeling the pain of a broken heart, it was the only choice I could make without regret. A choice where I bear the burden and not my sweet girl, in an extended time frame neither of us saw coming.
I chose my daughter’s future above my own. There can be no fault in that. I have the promise from God that her future would be secure with this choice, and that will have to sustain me.
A mother’s love doesn’t always choose what is easiest.
Sometimes it means walking willingly into the fire.
Life is Hard
You will hear it said many times:
Life isn’t Fair.
Life is Hard.
And darling, there is truth to both of those statements. Life isn’t easy. And sometimes it asks of us things we never imagined we could give.
Without the struggle in life, we wouldn’t recognize our potential. Struggle strips away all distractions, leaving the core of essentials.
It builds resilience.
Creates perspective.
And leads us toward wisdom and personal growth.
For those of us who believe in God, struggle can also bring a much deeper relationship with Him. Sometimes, it is in our greatest pain that we begin to understand Him more.
I cannot pretend that my sacrifice was anything like God’s sacrifice.
But being a parent, who knowingly endured separation from a child, taught me something about the depth of a parent’s love.
What is sacrifice? It is a decision to willingly endure pain so that someone else can live.
This is why Jesus died for us. His love was a willing sacrifice to endure pain so that we could live. His pain hurt intensely. But he bore it to the very end.
My decision was born from circumstances I never wanted, never sought out. But because of it, I learned two eternal facts:
Love is not always holding on, sometimes it is letting go.
and
Letting go doesn’t mean your love is any less strong. Sometimes, it means loving someone so deeply that you’re willing to endure pain for their sake.
The love I have for my daughter, I hope one day, will be recognized. It may never be, and I will have to be ok with that. Regardless, I have faced the challenge placed before me, trusting that God will bless it some way, somehow. There is only one thing I desire…
To have my daughter back.
Today, on her birthday, I remember the little girl who brought such extraordinary joy into my life. The sound of her laughter. The giggle that was uniquely hers, having claimed it at 3 months old. Her sweet little round face and small red lips which lit up a room when she smiled and pointed her little hand in command. The precious years when I had the privilege of holding her close and hearing her say, “Oh momma, I love you so, so much.” Before the heartache, before the difficult decisions, there was simply a mother and her little girl. And oh, how I loved that little girl.
I still do.
Nothing that has happened in all these years has changed that. Nothing ever will.
Happy birthday, my beautiful, strong daughter. Wherever life takes you, I hope you always know how deeply you are loved.
My Prayer for You
I could say, I hope you never have to face decisions like this. But that would be robbing you of the lessons those decisions bring. So instead, I will pray something different for you.
When difficult decisions come, I pray you will take the responsibility seriously.
I pray you will seek God’s direction before you seek your own comfort.
That you will have the courage to listen when the answer is not the one you want to hear.
And I pray when the decision requires more strength than you believe you possess, you will remember……You do not have to possess that strength alone.
Ask God for help. Then take the next step. And then the next.
Sometimes, the blessing doesn’t come until long after the sacrifice. Sometimes you may never see the fruit of what you gave at all. But if you have acted with love, sought God’s direction, and done everything in your power to protect the future of those entrusted to you, then you can place the rest in His hands.
And perhaps, just perhaps, that is what faith really is.
Doing what love requires, even when your heart is breaking, and trusting God with what happens next.
Love well, my darling.
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