With the creation of television and the rise of new forms of entertainment, children were introduced to stories in ways previous generations had never experienced. Then came Walt Disney’s, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, the first full-length animated feature produced by Disney.
And with the enormous popularity of these stories, which continue to this day, came something else: a growing picture of what life and love were supposed to look like.
A beautiful princess.
A handsome prince.
A terrible problem to solve or escape.
A dramatic rescue.
And finally, a Happily Ever After.
I call this The Fairy Tale Deception.
The Happily Ever After
Now, let me be clear. There is nothing wrong with enjoying a beautiful story. Imagination is a wonderful gift, and fairy tales can teach us about courage, hope, sacrifice, and good overcoming evil.
But somewhere along the way, the story can become confused with reality.
In my own experience, I believe this has a particularly strong influence on the way many young girls came to image love and marriage. Instead of simply watching their mothers and grandmothers learn how to navigate the realities of life, they were also being introduced to another picture: the princess waiting in a tower for someone to come and rescue her.
But real life doesn’t work that way. It isn’t designed to.
The Truth of Reality
Scripture never promises us a life without difficulty. We are told there will be many struggles. There will be sorrow. There will be battles between good and evil throughout your life. There will be times when we don’t understand what God is doing.
These times happen by design so we will lean upon Him
Real life is messy. Sometimes it stinks. Sometimes it hurts terribly.
And sometimes it is filled with such joy and laughter that you wish you could freeze the moment and keep it forever. Experiencing all those things together is part of what makes family so precious.
Family members know one another intimately. They see the good, the bad, the beautiful, and the broken pieces that the rest of the world may never see. Ideally, family members encourage one another and love one another through it all, bearing with each other during seasons of pain and difficulty because every person has battles of their own to face.
Getting to the finish line of life completely on your own is not what this life is about.
Setting up your life to look like a fairy tale is not the goal.
Relationships are sacred. They are something to value, nurture, and protect.
A True Story
Here is a very personal story that stands in direct contrast to the starry-eyed, rose-colored pictures of love that fairy tales create.
When I was young, I believed love was something that rushed in like a storm. I thought strong feelings, emotional highs, tingles and butterflies, longings and excitement were proof enough of true love.
I entered my first marriage young and blind, flying high on my perceptions of what love was supposed to feel like. I was carried along by emotions and expectations. I was far too young to truly know myself. And I certainly did not know what real love looked like.
In this area of my life, I was not adequately counseled. I was left to form my understanding from my own imaginings and assumptions. Pure conjecture. And, as I eventually discovered, a total farce.
My Utter and Complete Failure
In my first marriage, love was loud and not kind. It was controlling and wrapped up in expectation and perceptions of some imagined standard of what we were supposed to live up to. Such a marriage can quickly become demeaning, disrespectful, selfish and centered around emotions and feelings.
This is a very dangerous foundation for marriage.
As I grew older inside that marriage, I learned I was expected to make myself small and unseen. I learned to bottle everything up inside of myself so I wouldn’t cause friction or offense. I constantly told myself not to rock the boat, to keep the peace. But as I did, pressure built up inside my soul. And when pressure continues to build, there eventually comes a point where it must be released. I knew who I was, deep inside my heart, was slowly being drowned out. My potential was being destroyed, and the fight for identity I had fought so hard to earn in my early life, was being suffocated.
I desperately sought help from a variety of sources. And yet, those attempts only made things worse. I learned that being quiet and unnoticed was the only way I knew to calm the storms inside my home. And in the process, I began to be pointed out as the villain in our family unit, from strangers, church members and even other family members. Even then, I accepted the burden to keep the peace.
I carried it all on my shoulders for 19 years. I became like a wounded animal trapped in a dark corner, living completely in survival mode and slowly losing the core of who God had created me to be. It was prolonged suffering. It felt like a never-ending hell.
The Way Back Towards the Light
Looking back now, I can see that much of what I believed about love and marriage had been built upon a distorted reality and expectations based upon a false belief.
It took me many years of direct counsel from God to begin healing from the nineteen years of distorted reality I had lived inside that marriage. I had to break everything down to the basics of my soul just to survive. The beginning of this healing included the ending of my marriage and walking away with my teenage girls in tow.
Sometimes, in the darkest of moments of our lives, the smallest light can be enough to lead us toward a better path. At that time, I had a friend at work who said something I will never forget.
She simply said,
“I believe in you.”
Those four words changed my life. And I believe God used that simple expression of care to begin opening my eyes to the truth. Because what is built on lies can never truly be made right.
God showed me the roots of my pain. Then He began teaching me how to heal. He taught me how to experience life as He intended it to be. It became an intense, seven-year journey.
Seven years of listening, learning, and healing. Seven years of rediscovering who I was beneath all the fear that had accumulated inside my body and soul. And seven years of learning how to let go of the survival mechanisms that I had operated under for so long in order to exist.
God literally taught me how to crawl up from the depths of hell one small baby step at a time.
What Does Love Look Like?
Now, many years later, being older, wiser, and far more aware of who I am and who God created me to be, I found love, as God designed it to be between a man and a woman.
It did not arrive like a storm. It came softly. Quietly. Gently. Like a warm breeze carrying the clean scent of something fresh and peaceful. I feel comfort simply near this person. It was not built upon fear or control. It was built on peace. Steady and constant peace. There is support instead of judgement. I am free to discover my path forward as an individual before God. Even more beautifully, I am celebrated for doing so.
This is a freedom and a love that adequately reflects Christ’s love. It does not insist on its own way or being right. It does not belittle, demote, dominate, mock or ridicule. Instead, it makes room for laughter and rest. It makes room for growth. We provide each other space and room to be who God created us to be, will remaining beside one another as we continue to grow and change.
In so doing, we honor God respecting each other’s individual walk with Him. The difference couldn’t be more profound.
So, when I tell you what love really looks like, this is what I mean….
It brings you closer to God, not further from yourself.
If offers safety, not fear. It allows both people to grow, to question, to change, and to become more fully who God is calling them to be.
A fairy tale love tells us that the right person will complete the story for us.
Real love teaches us that God is the author of our story and we become complete by following Him.
My Prayer for You
My prayer for you is this, my dear one, that you have clear and open eyes when it comes to love. Don’t measure it by how strongly you feel. Don’t mistake excitement for character. Don’t mistake possession for devotion.
Look deeper.
Look at the fruit the person produces.
Is the person walking with God and what does that walk look like?
Can you be completely honest with this person?
Is she/he easy to laugh with?
Can you rest with this person?
Is there room in your relationship for your continued walk with God?
And when you do find that…I pray you will protect it. Nurture it. Honor it.
True love is two people equally choosing, day after day, to walk faithfully with God, lovingly beside each other until they can walk on this earth no more.
I love you and am with you always.
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